I was going to write something epic, but it looks as though it might be a disappointment.

Before you read this particular blog entry, I need you to know something. Despite all the melodrama, I'm actually very happy and have a practically unwavering positive outlook on life. I write this knowing that I'll most likely be criticized for being too personal on the internet. Still, the purpose of this blog is not to relate an idea, but to explore it. I'm trying to make all these loose ends and fragmented ideas fit together in a cohesive way, and you just happen to be along for the ride.

Lately, I've been seeing disappointment everywhere.

Everyone around me seems to be mired in it. Jarred by an unrequited love, a lost job, an unmet expectation, a broken promise. And while disappointment has and always will be a part of my life (such is the lot of the optimist), the fear of disappointment, which is much worse has started to rear it's ugly head.

I need to come clean, to make a new start, to set everything back to zero. I'm at the end of a year--how quickly time flies--a whole year of joy, creativity, work, avoidance of work, love, rejection, exhaustion, sickness, happiness, rapture, and yes, disappointment.

 I stopped writing regularly. Sure, I have been busy, but mostly I've neglected the written word because until now, being honest was a near impossibility for me. Life has become so complicated and compartmentalized. Different groups of friends, different men, different women, different conflicting ideas, different conflicting goals, different values, and never enough time. When this precarious balancing act gets too complicated, I start to eliminate the things that seem like they will be the most disappointing.Sometimes, these are the things the are also the most valuable.

So, what gets thrown overboard?

First, there's love. 

I've ceased having contempt for my ex (my desire to plug my ears and sing loudly every time he talks has dissipated immensely), and have learned to appreciate the lessons that he was able to teach me. All lessons but this one: People will disappoint you. I don't appreciate this lesson because I don't want to believe it.

But slowly, my skin grows thicker.

I became so obsessed with the idea that everyone would eventually disappoint me that it seemed logical to conclude that eventually all relationships would end in complete and utter emotional carnage. I don't know about you, but I would rather be the purveyor of emotional carnage than the recipient of it. And so, I became ruthless. The Genghis Khan of love..

To the victims in this slaughter, I justifed being so flippant about commitment, sex, and emotional attachment by intellectually boiling it down to the (debatable) fact that humans are not biologically suited for monogamy. (You can blame the book, "Sex at Dawn", for this bit of scientific dogma that I cling so desperately to).  I, therefore, am sane and completely natural. And all you monogamous motherfuckers are crazy.

But then, life always raises the stakes.

Love strikes.

Hard.

I immediately forget all my beliefs about monogamy being a farce. I forget to condone polyamory. I fall in love. Of course, it is too easy to say the resolution to my cold-heartedness is only a matter of letting my walls down and allowing myself to love someone.

This is why: someone as complex and contrary as me could never become enamored with a simple man. I could only love someone who was as complicated and mysterious as myself. The feeling of being with someone so unpredictable makes me feel out of control, and so instead of falling asleep reading the love poetry of Byron, I fall asleep reading "The 48 Laws of Power". I believe that wielding total control in the relationship can help save me from disappointment. And of course, I am wrong. Not only do I completely sabotage the relationship, I am the one to disappoint him in the end. And sadly enough, I have broken the connection in a way that makes it completely irreparable.

What good can I take from this? People we love will disappoint us without meaning to, and without even trying. This happens because we have unrealistic expectations. We expect them to make us happy, or we are afraid that they will make us miserable. But alas, true happiness comes from within. If we accept that life is tumultuous and human relationships are volatile--- and if we acclimate to that chaos, then we can be happy independently of others and can easily be content with what they provide or do not provide for us. If we rely on those around us for validation, for company, for security, we end up making them miserable. But, when we allow people to be nothing but themselves and if we accept them wholeheartedly, it is impossible for them to disappoint us.

Sure, there are extreme cases. The man you love steals your bulldog and sells him for crack. The woman you love cheats on you with an entire football team. Still, to unconditionally love someone is to love them for who they are, and not what they do.

Now lets get to the good stuff.

Let's talk about art. 

I wish I could be inspirational here, but I can only be honest. When it comes to what I have accomplished creatively in the last year, I have completely disappointed myself. I continue to paint, but my focus is about 10 percent of what it was and where it should be. And even though my art has become more cerebral, even the depth of my thoughts disappoint me.I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want to say and less time executing my ideas. I see so many breathtaking things in my mind's eye that I simply do not have energy to create. Sometimes it is difficult for me to begin a painting because I feel like I will not be able to do justice to the image I envision. I agonize over even the tiniest brushstrokes, and still they do not meet the standard I set. And still, I know that all these are excuses.

The real problem is lack of discipline.

Funny how discipline works. When you have it, you think you will have it forever--like it's getting a metal plate surgically inserted in your head--it's not going anywhere. It feels permanent. Well, I have bad news. As hard as it is to cultivate self-discipline, its simply a breeze to lose it. Anyone who has done extremely well on a diet, made themselves look smoking hot, and then eats nothing but frozen pizza and oreos for the next two months can relate to this. Being in this place is treacherous because the longer you neglect your willpower, the weaker it gets, and the harder it is to summon.

If you forget to water a plant for a couple days, nature is forgiving. Go a week, and you have to give that plant extra care. Go two weeks, and it's going to feel nearly impossible to save it. Deprive that plant of what it needs for a month and you'll have to sow new seeds.

Its time to start sowing new seeds. All the time I give people advice that I should be adhering to myself. Here's a pearl of wisdom I should be taking to heart: Always be cultivating new ideas, sowing new seeds, regardless of whether you see any growth. Eventually, you will find that you have a bountiful harvest before you. All it takes is patience, diligence, and a little faith.

It also involves taking opportunities as they come your way. I've been lucky enough the last few months to get commissions from several extremely generous people that have motivated me to continue painting.

Right now, I'm working on a commission that I think might end up being my best piece ever. I know I say that about every painting I do, but this one especially combines all the things I love. My two major influences in painting are Mark Rothko and Gerhard Richter.

MARK ROTHKO

GERHARD RICHTER

I don't think its any coincidence that both these artists are (were) also prolific writers. Maybe because they have allowed me to enter their work and view it through their own eyes, I have acquired a higher level of reverence for what they have created. Similar to both Rothko and Richter, I am infatuated with color. I love Rothko's minimalism and simplicity, as well as the way he builds up layers of paint on his canvas. In Richter's work, what I most admire is the ability for one painting to have many interpretations, like an open-ended question. Richter treats his viewers with respect, and takes it for granted that they are intelligent enough to derive the correct (albeit subjective) meaning from his work.

The painting I'm working on is mostly white. A very fair skinned woman is sitting on a bed with white sheets  with her back to the viewer. She is facing a while wall. It is that simple. If you are a painter, you know that painting white can either be totally gut-wrenching and horrible--or it can be completely wonderful. It just depends on how much of a masochist you are. I, for one, love it. I love it because when you paint white correctly, there are hardly ever any parts of a painting that are totally white. In life, when you look at something white, say a crumpled sheet on a couch-- you are hardly seeing any white at all. You are seeing a million different shades of blues and pinks and greens and purples and mauves and greys. For lack of a better description, it's just beautiful. The white wall in the background will be very Rothkoesque while the clean, minimalist nude in the foreground will spookily recall Gerhard Richter's early figurative work.


In my mind, it's a masterpiece. 


In Conclusion...


When I recall what I wrote earlier in this blog about the need to accept people as they are in order to avoid disappointment, I realize that I also have to apply that to my work and in a general sense, to my life. 


All you can do in this life is try your best. If you focus too much on the outcome of your labors, you won't be present enough to actually enjoy what you're doing. When you are present, you are joyful. Joy is manifested in presence -- that point at which we shed the past, let go of the future and are just there, where we are, in that moment.You have to do the thing  you are passionate about because you love it, and for it's own sake, and not because you are hoping for some other gain. To develop as an artist (or even as a human being), you have to constantly challenge yourself, growing and experiencing life in new and invigorating ways. If you don't do something because you think it will bring disappointment, you are living in fear and cheating yourself. 


Take Mark Twain's advice:
"Throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”